Mom’s Sign

Here is a little sign mom might want to print out and hang up on the bathroom door.

Attention Children: The Bathroom Door is Closed.

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.  Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked.  I want it that way.  It is not broken, I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it’s been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be.  I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling, “She’s in the BATHROOM!”

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them.  This was funny when you were two, but not now.

Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door.  Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room.  I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

(signed)
Mom

A Lecture on Mental Health

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and  forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “He’s probably a basketball coach?”

How’s Your Golf Game

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

“Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

Hot Shot!

Bill and Jeff, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score “all-square” at the 18th tee.

Bill slices his tee shot way left, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Jeff smashes his first shot straight down the middle.

“Oh well,” says Bill, “I should get a free drop from there.”

“Heck no,” says Jeff, “We play the ball as it lies.”

And so Bill did.

After dropping his opponent on the middle of the fairway, Bill took the golf cart to his lie on the concrete path. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings.

Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin.

As the two meet in the fairway, Jeff comments, “That was a great shot…what club did you use?”

“Your 6 iron,” says Bill.