Confession

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?”

“Certainly not,” said the Priest. “As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it.”

“I tried,” Brian sobbed, “but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?”

“If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family.”

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Mom’s Sign

Here is a little sign mom might want to print out and hang up on the bathroom door.

Attention Children: The Bathroom Door is Closed.

Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.  Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked.  I want it that way.  It is not broken, I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it’s been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be.  I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling, “She’s in the BATHROOM!”

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them.  This was funny when you were two, but not now.

Do not slide pennies, Legos, or notes under the door.  Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room.  I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

(signed)
Mom

A Lecture on Mental Health

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and  forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “He’s probably a basketball coach?”

How’s Your Golf Game

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

“Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

Hot Shot!

Bill and Jeff, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score “all-square” at the 18th tee.

Bill slices his tee shot way left, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Jeff smashes his first shot straight down the middle.

“Oh well,” says Bill, “I should get a free drop from there.”

“Heck no,” says Jeff, “We play the ball as it lies.”

And so Bill did.

After dropping his opponent on the middle of the fairway, Bill took the golf cart to his lie on the concrete path. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings.

Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin.

As the two meet in the fairway, Jeff comments, “That was a great shot…what club did you use?”

“Your 6 iron,” says Bill.

In Need of a Shower!

In search of a roll-in shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom supply store that advertised they consulted on accessible bathroom solutions.

We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision.

Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant where the same young lady from the bathroom supply store was now arriving with two friends.

As she passed close to our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a voice loud enough for nearby diners to hear. .”HEY! You’re the man who needs a shower!”

Speeding & Fishing

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

“In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years…say, a red Corvette?”

“Wow!  Are you kidding?”

“Yeah, but you started it.”

Going Postal

Joe got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Joe separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Joe at the end of his first day. “I just want you to know,” the supervisor said, “that I’m very pleased with the job you did today. You’re one of the fastest workers we’ve ever had.”

“Thank you, Sir” said Joe, beaming, “and tomorrow I’ll try to do even better.”

“Better?” the supervisor asked with astonishment. “How can you possibly do any better than you did today?”

Joe replied, “Tomorrow I’m going to read the addresses.”

So, You Think You’re Punny

• A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

• Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer for me please, and one for the road.”

• An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

• Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

• I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a mussel.

• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

• Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

• A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

• Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.